for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
![]()
You Might Also Like
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.