Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i think both sides are to blame here

Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.

{first date}

Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek

Date:…

Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten

Date: *leaves*

If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.

Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.

[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?

Me:

4: Mom???

Me: What the f-

4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?

Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*

Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?

the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials

What a relief. Bring on the nukes

Detective : Where were you on the night in question?

Me: Wut?

Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.

Her: Oh, he’s not playing.

My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.

YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:

Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.

Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.

20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party

One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan

I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.

I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.

Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.

Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour

“love means never having to say you’re sorry”

“that is not what love means”

“sorry”

ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*

PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*

I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.

why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight