For real 🤣
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FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.