For real 馃ぃ
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What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
[wedding day]
fianc茅: I shouldn鈥檛 have let you pick the photographer
me: but he鈥檚 my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
“I swear to God I will turn this car around”
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
*my dog starts barking when suddenly 20 other neighborhood dogs start barking back at him. i just laugh & point at him*
haha, you鈥檙e getting ratioed!
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use 拢4.99 Loreal makeup?
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Kids: It鈥檚 the first day of spring break and it鈥檚 not fair that we鈥檝e been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o鈥檆lock in the morning.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
time machine? you mean a clock?
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
I鈥檓 excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
I don鈥檛 know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You鈥檝e made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.