For real 🤣
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Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.