For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
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[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
🔦🌙👣
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.