Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way

Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.

Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.

I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.

If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢

Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person

Me: ok

[Later]

Her: Hi!

Me: Hi you look uglier online

Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.

ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”

and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED

I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.

Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.

ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!

KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.

i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor

You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.

If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.

If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.

Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day

I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.

My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.

crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators

Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.

To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.