FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
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parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.