Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *hiding from kidnapper*

kidnapper: *sneezes*

me: BLESS YOU!

I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.

John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?

Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.

Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all

Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber

No thanks, toilets that flush.

-kids

*in court*

judge [belches]: pardon

me: thank you!

But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife

Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?

OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.

8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.

I’m sorry what now?!

haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table

It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.

COP: I’m arresting you

ME: oh no

COP: You must make one phone call

ME: OH NO

The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.

Scrolls Twitter

*throws phone in holy water

Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg

Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered

The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.

I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.

I’m completely naked under all this pizza.

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.

I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants