For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
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Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work