Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…

20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure

God: you’re a centipede.

Centipede: what does that mean?

God: you have 10 legs.

Centipede: that’s not enough legs.

God: how many do you want?

Centipede: 100 LEGS : )

God: ok but don’t tell Snake.

Snake: don’t tell me what?

God:

Centipede:

Snake: guys don’t tell me what?

just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.

If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history

Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.

Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.

They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”

[single drop of rain falls on ground]

Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.

Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.

[first time paying taxes]

me: how much do I owe?

irs: 🙂

me: am I supposed to guess?

irs: :)))

me: what if I guess wrong?

irs: :))))))))))))))))))

My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.

Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.

Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.

*wears camouflage to a family reunion*

I like the word amongst. That’s it.

Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.

“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff

Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.

[Creation]

God: “Give them hair up their nose”

Angel: “Hair? But why?”

God: “To catch their snot”

Angel: “Snot?”

grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?

me: no. one only.

If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.

Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.

A minute, 45 seconds.

How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.

The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.

hello pervert is such a strong opener