Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”

2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”

I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.

I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.

For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.

If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake

When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.

Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.

I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on

As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.

I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings

mentally somewhere in italy

Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.

It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

friend: how’s the amazon job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers

WHAT DO WE WANT!?

A forum for passive aggressive behavior!

WHEN do we want it?

NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.

I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life

Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.

Or something like that.

It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting

“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem