FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
You Might Also Like
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Just got a message from my kid’s teacher that she still needs someone to sign up for plates/napkins for the Christmas party and this is a trap, right?
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
In case you needed to hear it:
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back