Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: oh my god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees

pirate: shiver me timbers

me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*

Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no

Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.

It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.

I feel like I have something to prove here.

Judge: That’s sort of how this works.

Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.

The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.

When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station

I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.

i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home

Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”

I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.

Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy

My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy

How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin

me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby

them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby

me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster

me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad

6: what happened?!

me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point

Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.

logging onto twitter…

Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.

*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.

My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.

[Having a tea party]

Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*

Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”

one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by

Wife: How’d you do?

Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!

Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.

My house: I ALWAYS WIN

When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength