Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead

911: did u murder him?

BLACK WIDOW: uh

911: ma’am

BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*

Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.

Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.

My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness

nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.

Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—

Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird

[alternate universe]

Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵

Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls

Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes

Me: why

Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you

At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.

He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents

Dear Evolution,

It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?

The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.

woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date

Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?

My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.

Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth

Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.

Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.

Body: Maybe drink water? Just once

My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.

What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?

Well I couldn’t give two hoots.

“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”

If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.

ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite

WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog

I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.

Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.

Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!

Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩

Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:

Commit Fraud

Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?

Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”

Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.