For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
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My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same