Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.

*see Shawshank on TV guide*

Wife: Don’t do it

*picks up remote*

W: I said don’t do it

*turns TV to Shawshank*

W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES

My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.

i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.

i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard

Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂

Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.

Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.

Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?

Wife: Orchids?

Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?

If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.

Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal

As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.

Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences

Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks

Judge: divorce granted

‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”

– probiotic

“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”

– amateur biotic

*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day

My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”

I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”

Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud

my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”

Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.

Me:

JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay

being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired

There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.

Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts

Fight

Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.

That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet

[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”