For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
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A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Haha good job!!
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
…u ok Nintendo?
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁