For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
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[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
(Gaming support cat.)
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.