Horse-drawn carriages are pretty cool but the horses should learn to draw other stuff
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
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One day my kids will find a “We’re Closed” sign for a grocery store & ask what it is & I’ll sound like the old guy explaining shit in Zelda.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Seeing the leaves change in autumn always reminds me of my Grandpa. He died falling out of a tree too.
Every time I lose a sock I like to imagine it went to set one of Dobby’s house elf friends free.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned