@punished_picnic

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

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@Midgetspar

After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.

We believe you.

@squirrel74wkgn

As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.

@KeetPotato

how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands

@junejuly12

Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.

@cluedont

It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.

@flashember

[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]

“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.

@GrillinChillin9

You really could help childhood obesity by eliminating school zone speed limits. Make those little chubsters run when they see a car coming.

@amydillon

85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.