For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

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After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.

We believe you.


As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.


how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands


Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.


It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.


[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]

“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.


You really could help childhood obesity by eliminating school zone speed limits. Make those little chubsters run when they see a car coming.


85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.