@punished_picnic

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

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@philyuck

Horse-drawn carriages are pretty cool but the horses should learn to draw other stuff

@Sirrruh

One day my kids will find a “We’re Closed” sign for a grocery store & ask what it is & I’ll sound like the old guy explaining shit in Zelda.

@IamEnidColeslaw

I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS

@stevemarriott

[McDonalds board meeting]

CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?

@RickAaron

A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.

@maisondecris

MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]

@thenatewolf

Seeing the leaves change in autumn always reminds me of my Grandpa. He died falling out of a tree too.

@sammyrhodes

Every time I lose a sock I like to imagine it went to set one of Dobby’s house elf friends free.

@Parkerlawyer

My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?

@SkinnerSteven

Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned