For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
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Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die