Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.

To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it

If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office

[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.

I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke

In the Target toy aisles-

“No, please put that back”

“I said we aren’t buying anything today”

“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”

– and that’s just me to my husband

as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit

There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.

Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.

I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.

[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*

6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT

to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak

Friend: She really likes you.

Me: Oh yeah?

Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.

Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”

Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.

We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.

stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did

michael scott: that’s what she said

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.

If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works

White Castle for the Win

Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.