For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
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I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”
Her oldest child is 38. 🤣
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it
#OneLiner
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.