Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup

I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.

Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?

#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas

[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely

A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”

I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder

Flirting is hard

Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*

Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*

In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money

Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.

*overheard from the other room

8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?

Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?

8yo: No

Grandma: Just one then

Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.

Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful

[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit

[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.

My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.

whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese

Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.

When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”

Guy: I want to be more than friends

Me: like business owners?

*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?

neighbor: did you steal my trampoline

are robert

me:

accusations harmful

flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker

The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.

It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.

I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait

Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.

All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.

Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.

I 100% subscribe to this philosophy