FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
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If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
*exercises sarcastically*
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch