Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.

I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.

Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.

It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.

I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.

Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”

All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:

Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”

[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]

HER: So what kind of car do you drive?

ME: A bookmobile.

Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”

I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..

I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.

The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.

And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.

*watching someone make a cake*

them: and now add the mascarpone

me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses

Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream

I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing

A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.

Ex: Please die 😉

Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY

Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.

I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.