Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*

mugger: gimme all your cash

me: lmao my what

Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.

My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”

A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses

“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”

The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.

Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit

Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS

Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to

WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume

Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.

I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again

cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it

dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me

I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.

When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped

ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”

Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.

blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.

me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/

the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

What in the hell is “disposable income”?

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

A: ink & suction cups

G: Hmmm..

Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it

Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested

My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.

stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses

Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken

it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.