FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
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My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
How to make infinite energy.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Shower sex be like:
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?