For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
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SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.