Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

[date night]

me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here

gf: we are in your apartment

me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door

Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.

Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space

Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.

I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.

Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.

*gets several new followers on Sunday

*adds Jesus to resume

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner

[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.

friend: i’m just going to date myself

me: you can do better

With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.

Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.

me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything

t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too

Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes

I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.

God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.

Angel: One step ahead of you!

God: What did you do?!

Elephant: Quack

My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.

me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant

friend: hi dave

dave: brilliant

Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????

Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today

Angel: so what are these?

God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need

Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it

God: that’s a potato

Angel: it must be really good for you then

God: lol…no

my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]

Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”

I’d use my best pan on you.

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.