FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
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I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?