For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
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It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
when nothing goes right… go left
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too