For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
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Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.