For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used
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as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.