For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
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Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
boat question
Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now