Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife

new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people had asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.

If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.

Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.

When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.

when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye

*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*

5: Can we play music in our room?

Me: Sure!

5: Any music?

Me: Whatever you want!

5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!

Me: Nooooooooooooo

My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.

*First Date

Her: Why are we at Home Depot?

Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.

Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.

I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard

Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth

Doctor: You have athletes foot

Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.

Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.

People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”

You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you

Cats: no it’s murder

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress

My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.

Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?

Ok, I’ll bite

What’s an ab?

Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.

My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.

CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.

One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.