For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
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You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that