Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.

A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.

Shouldn’t a grand piano only cost $1000?

Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family

Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys

Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh

HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.

I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.

I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.

You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra

Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?

If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?

It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.

(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off

I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.

ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.

I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house

Herpes is trending, good job people

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.

It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.

I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.