For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
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Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”
It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Seems kinda suspicious
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.