Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*

You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?

“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?

ME: it’s a tip

DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight

ME: *hands him $20 bill*

ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass

HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?

SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?

SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot

SLEEPY: I sleep a lot

GRUMPY: my wife left me

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?

Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.

I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.

*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*

Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit

Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you

I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human

Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.

Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace

Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-

Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!

I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife

I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3

My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?

I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.

Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?

Hey, is that guy dead?

My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.

Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”

– The wind, apparently.