Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear scientists,

We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer

♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫

My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….

Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10

Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.

Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.

Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”

Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.

Dog: [with a ball] throw this

Human: ok

Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth

Human: what

[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*

[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?

If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.

Me: welcome to my painting podcast

[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]

Me: it’s a mountain

Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.

Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.

Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.

My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair

You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,

Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.

You should be fine, though.

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker

Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.

I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.

People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.

[HR office]

HR: you know why you’re here, right?

Me:

HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it

I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.