For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
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coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
no their not
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?
Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple