For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
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I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK it’s spam
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
*Inspirational Tweets*
I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Knock Knock
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”