For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
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Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
roses are red
i fall when i skate
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.