For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
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dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
next level snooze
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”