Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”

[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap

I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.

Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school

Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox

“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*

Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait

[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.

going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed

No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.

I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?

20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys

Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.

And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.

If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad

My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.

😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”

baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.

“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.

I’m doomed.

My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂

why do people always ask “what do your tattoos mean?” bro they mean i had $200 and a free afternoon

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.

my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is

[At the gym]

My body: WTF

Me: I know

Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?

Me: No, this is how it is from now on.

Body: *charley horse*

Me: Well played, bitch… well played