For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
You Might Also Like
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.