For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
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Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
can’t talk my ride’s here
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]