For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
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My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks