For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
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I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
