For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
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God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p