Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”

Him: Do you swallow?

Me: Every time I chew.

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

Me: how are you?

Toddler: shitty.

Me: I hear that.

Toddler: can you change me?

Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.

Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.

My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.

her: i’m leaving you.

me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard

her: YES

me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk

If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.

kinda feel like the bridge overreacted

there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here

Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?

John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down

They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.

Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life

THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!

1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity

Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”

3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor

I deserve that.

The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.

My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..

..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!

ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.

me: oh good what is it.

ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.

me: haha whoops.

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun

I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.

In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.

Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: weird but ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello soda

Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.

“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”

-women wearing uggs