For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
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8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.