For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
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Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia
Me: what’s that???
Doctor: exactly what it sounds like
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Going to church you guys need anything
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
