For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
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You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
This pepper has seen some shit
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
