@Manda_like_wine

For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”

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@bobvulfov

NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what

@pmarca

Best observation on financial markets that anyone has ever made or will ever make:

@cluedont

There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.

@Alvildalikely

I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.

@BoogTweets

Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary

@ChaseMit

I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?

@WineMummy

When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.

You’re welcome.

@MableGertrude

It’s funny how you become mom’s new favorite when your sibling is in jail.

@bartlebytaco

if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that

@notthenanny

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.