For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
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When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Europe. Made in Germany.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.