Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.

*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.

I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be

“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”

They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.

[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.

Me:

Employee:

*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*

No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.

they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit

Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse

When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.

[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-

me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it

professor: okay there is one stupid question

Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING

me: most people don’t use their middle names

machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way

Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.

When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher

Trees to oxygen:

“Pfft. Waste product.”

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.

The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.

Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻

*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*

iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same

Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother

When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.

This is the one

Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand

Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?

2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist

I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure