Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!

When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.

If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.

I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”

There stupid…

I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.

Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.

I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here

My biological clock is wheezing.

Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day

Me: ok, how many at night?

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

[1st date]

HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency

HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing

My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.

When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible

I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.

My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.

*works from home*

*files claim for hostile work environment*

Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up

“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”

*Door slams

– Jehova’s Witnesses

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.

Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?

[gets pulled over]

me: problem, officer?

cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me

[2hrs 36m later]

me: how was that

cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number

Me: Can I use it for my socials?

Mugshot Photographer: No.

[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.

me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please

Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”