Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears

If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”

My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.

I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff

when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.

You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.

Meth is short for Elizameth.

Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.

It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.

8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this

Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.

OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for

GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome

Meow?

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?

Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.

Today, Mike is missing.

Don’t be like Mike.

My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.

You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands

Owls are just nocturnal pug birds

Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?

Take me now, covid.

[argument w/girlfriend]

HER: you know what your problem is?

ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is “cat”

ME: ok

JUDGE: incorrect

I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby

“Choose password”
> 123bob

“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones

“OK”

Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?