For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
You Might Also Like
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge