Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder

Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!

it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution

listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work

I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.

Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”

how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”

Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?

Sister: “Family shot time”

Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”

Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”

Me: oh

Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.

Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁

Losing 😲

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account

Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.

Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.

M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work

I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.

“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”

*Gas station attendant nods*

“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”

Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?

5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?

Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born

5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool

[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]

Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.

I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve

Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.

*flies away with my broom*

It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?

It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Just let me finish this movie

Wife: What are you watching?

Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story

(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.