For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
You Might Also Like
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
choose your gary
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse