For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
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Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
i prefer mine room temperature.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
that would 100% work on me
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Great acting.. 😂
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA