For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
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Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
But is it really??
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
🤭😂
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total