Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: what’d you do today?

me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest

friend: niiiice, how was it

me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet

Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

“you look easy to draw”

A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.

“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:

A thread.

As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here

SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!

Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*

Neighbor: how was your quarantine?

Me: quarantine?

“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.

“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”

A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this

911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*

I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.

This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!

Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?

Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number

People: What the

Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.

A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.

Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*

[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.

Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.

I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.

If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge