for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
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tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy