for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
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saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
