For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
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If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS