For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
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Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?