For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
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I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.