Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”

My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.

Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.

How about daylight saves us for once

pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”

Man reading a book: hot

Man with a baby: hot

Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.

Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.

*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8

Whoever named the period of time before a funeral a “Wake” should never be allowed to name anything ever again.

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners

me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you

bf: haha I know right

In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*

Him: *Drives away*

Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”

I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.

No thanks, toilets that flush.

-kids

The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”

All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.

What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A billiard table.

LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.

My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.

Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr

Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved

Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.

But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”

*men apologize for their weakness*

*women apologize for their strength*

*aliens probe neither*

him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?

what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion

I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:

“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”