For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
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My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.