For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
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GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
Me when my alarm goes off
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
this could fix me
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips