For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
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A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.