For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
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ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
never stops being funny
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh