For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”